Here I am trying to figure out what my life is about. Trying to convince myself that I can do anything I put my mind to. Here I am trying to practice this thing called self-love. I have to deal with this while I’m out here ‘adulting’ and dealing with the real world and all the stress that comes from it. I’m doing all of this after being fearful all my life, after not knowing my full potential, after heartbreak, after hearing the opinions of others about me good and bad. I believe I have great parents who always made sure I was fed,
had a roof over my head, made sure I was prepared for school, taught me to respect people, and led by example when it came to being good people in general. But some important things were missing.
Some of us received tough love. The emotionally unavailable love. The love where we know our parents love us because they take care of us and they’re extremely protective over our wellbeing. The getting beat for not being respectful and showing out at school kind of love. But that’s not the only love that we need.
So many of us are in our 20s, 30s, and 40s still trying to convince ourselves that we’re great and capable of anything. We’re here trying to practice self-love and self-care. We want someone else to love us but deep down we’re sitting wondering if we’re worthy of being loved. Some of us built our self-esteem after we were broken down and some of us are still struggling to believe in ourselves. This is the foundation we needed to have as a kid. We needed self-esteem and self-love to be installed in us as kids so that we never rely on love from others.
I don’t recall ever hearing my mom say, you’re so beautiful, you’re great, you can do anything you want and you can be anything you want. I know she knew I was smart because I always did well in school and stayed on top of my work. But I needed to hear this more as a kid. I needed to know I had the support of my parents wholeheartedly and I needed them to believe in their kid. Maybe they didn’t believe in themselves enough because they didn’t grow up hearing from their parents that they can do more in life. We hear it from other people but how believable is it if it isn’t coming from the people who created you? If the people who created you don’t believe in you how can you trust the opinions of others?
I’ve always had a problem with speaking up, well I thought I was speaking up but my voice was softer than I was actually aware of. So if I spoke people usually couldn’t hear me and I honestly didn’t know that it was that big of a problem. I was always told “SPEAK UP! Sounds like your mumbling I’m sure when people talk to you they never know what you’re saying.” LOL. I’m laughing now because looking back I remember my mother mocking me and mumbling and its funny now but it wasn’t funny back then. Kind of made me not want to speak at all probably why I’m more of a writer than a speaker now. So thank you Mom. “Honey, I can’t hear you, you have to speak up a bit so the world can hear all of the amazing things you have to say.” LOL that sounds kind of cheesy and maybe a bit too affectionate for my mom but hearing that would of made me feel better. So after that I always thought people couldn’t hear me when I spoke to them, I thought they were just agreeing and acting like they heard me. But I grew out of that, because I wanted to, it took some time but it’s all about practicing. The more you speak the better you are at it. The more you write the better you are at writing. So I’m getting better everyday as we all are I’m hoping.
I’ve had people tell me I’m cute, I should be a model, and that I’m going to be great in life and when I looked up at my mother for confirmation it wasn’t there. When I’m being taught that everyone is not your friend and that people intentions aren’t always good how can I believe anything said by an outsider? It does no good when your constantly being compared to other kids, and told that you need to do this to be like that person by your parent. I hear parents tell their kids this a lot instead of appreciating their kid for who they are. Sometimes people are so quick to compliment and build up the next person or child and not do it for their own.But we can’t blame our parents because if they knew better and if they had self-esteem and self-love embedded in them from their own parents they would know. If they thought they were great they would know that their kid is great and show them regardless of anything they seem to lack.
As a teen and young adult I lived in fear and discouragement. I was always careful about any decision I made and I would overthink myself into telling myself something is not for me. I was so used to hearing about how I needed to be safe and be aware of my surroundings that I became sheltered. I’m sure the intentions weren’t to discourage me but that’s what they did even when they were trying to protect me.
I remember going to Jamaica with my boyfriend and being so excited to travel outside of the country and see something new and different for the first time. I was literally geeked and ready to go. I told my mom I had booked a flight and all she could ask was is your boyfriends parents going with ya’ll? She told me that I needed to be careful because it’s dangerous out there (at the time she had never been out the country herself so I don’t know how she was so knowledgeable as if she lived through it). They don’t have the same laws that we have out here, as soon as you leave the airport they are ready to rob you and they can tell you’re from America so don’t wear anything expensive looking. I don’t even know why you’re going out there you’re doing too much. Go to Atlantic City” And this is why we usually went back and forth because I had to tell her she always had something negative to say and always had to come through with bad news and then she would tell me I’m always getting mad when she’s just trying to help me out. You know I get that, but nobody wants to hear that all the time. Give it a break and just live sometimes. Living in fear will get you nowhere but in the same spot year after year.
I say that to say this, sometimes parents think they’re helping but they’re not. I still went on the trip because at the time I was already used to my mom being worried all the time and I didn’t want to be like that at all. But if I didn’t grow out of it i wouldn’t have gone, i wasn’t about to risk my life. I found out on my own that life is much better when you don’t live in fear. I would have been happier if she said “wow, that’s great I’m happy for you, we need to go out and get you some things for the trip because you don’t need to bring too much of your good stuff.” That would have felt better and it would have saved a lot of energy we used arguing going back and forth. But I learned a lot about trusting others and protecting myself and my loved ones.
Tough love is needed but so is the love that makes you believe in yourself more.
What Do They Need To Hear?
It’s so important to heal yourself mentally before you have a kid. Some of us only think about being ready for a kid physically and financially. You know we think of the costs, the clothes, the living arrangement and the transportation but barely think about being mentally prepared for them. There is so much hate in the world and you have to protect your child’s mentality as much if not more than you protect and nurture them physically. We barely think about having the confidence and self-love to raise them to have confidence and self-love, two of the most important things necessary for them to make it through life and be successful.
Let your kids know that they’re great and one of a kind. Let them know that you’re proud of them. Let them know that their creator thinks they’re beautiful and that they’re perfect just the way they are. Understand it’s not always about what you say sometimes it’s about how you say it. Stop comparing them and stop pointing out their flaws more than you point out their perfections. Tell them they can do anything they put their minds to and support them. Let them know that they motivate you to do better and be better because they should.
In the Meantime Check Out DJ Khaled installing the Major Keys In His New Born baby boy!!